Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My Son is Gay.... or Not

Not really because he's crossdressing, at least, not any more than usual. Because of this crap.
I honestly thought it was going to be years before I had to listen to crappy, upbeat pop music. And really, I thought it was going to come from Kendyl.
Turns out, I didn't have to wait for her tween years to have this crap inflicted upon my pop-music despising self....
Have you ever met

Oh, my God. Kill me now.
And he's obsessed. We don't even watch Blue's Clues anymore... 40 episodes on the DVR, I was about to buy the DVD collection, and he's on to the next thing.
Honestly, I thought the next thing would be Dora or something. At least there's an alternative, he's also all of a sudden into Dino Dan... the problem with that is that Kendyl hates Dino Dan, so during her waking hours it's Fresh Beat all the way.
They, The Fresh Beat Band, like all bubblegum pop music, have a catchy tune and easy lyrics. I find myself singing the songs to myself in the kitchen while making our dinner, long after the kids have gone to bed and my ears are no longer being assaulted.
Now, isn't there supposed to be a logical progression from Sesame Street to something else cutesy and educational and then finally to brain numbing garbage?
As far as I can tell, the only educational merits of this show are music appreciation and working together as a team to solve a problem. So, Wonder Pets started a band... ok.
It's really as obnoxious as one might think the Wonder Pets starting up a pop band might be.
He even knows all of their names.
Marina, in a perfect society would be the leader, she's definitely the smartest. I think she would make a good mom because she seems to have infinite patience for her friends who are well below her intelligence level. She plays the drums, well, one of those pastel colored electric deals that have replaced drums. Her favorite color is baby blue.

Shout is the token black guy. He plays the keyboards. Would it be a big, "duh" if I described him as excitable and exuberant (as if anyone on this show could be anything different?) Well, he's the excitable one. Take that as you will. And just by the way, has anyone EVER seen a black guy on keyboards? Oh, and his color is obnoxious orange.

Kiki is Tyler's favorite, because that's what he calls his stuffed monkey. She's a sucker for biting off more than she can chew. Her color is pink and she plays guitar. I've looked at her fingers and I think she's actually playing it. She's still annoying.

You know, always pick on the white guy. Twist is an idiot. Ok, realize that with this cast, that is saying A LOT. He is the DJ, he spins the records and all that. Actually, there's very little record spinning... which makes me wonder what his actual purpose is. To make the rest of them look smart? I guess Nickelodeon thought it would be racist to cast the black guy as the DJ. Oh yeah, Twist always wears yellow.

So these kids live on a block? In a neighborhood? All I know is that their world is garishly colored and they subsist on mainly smoothies that are the same disgusting pastel color as their world. Come to think of it... I think thats what the Puke News Kid on Tosh.0 ate for breakfast that morning.

Maybe he puked because he was watching The Fresh Beat Band. Or more believable, maybe the smoothies are laced with crack and he had a bad drug reaction. That could be a good reason why the Fresh Beats are so chipper all the time.
I'm warning every one not to get into this. It will make your brain bleed. Maybe put it on your V-chip as porn. It's about as educational. I mean, porn teaches music appreciation and working together as a team, right?


At December 11, 2011 at 2:11 PM , Blogger full time mom said...

I love the fresh beat band,I watch it even when my kids are oldest is 2 and she knows almost all the songs,she love to dance,& it also keeps my 5 month old occupied when I'm cooking or cleaning when my 2yr is too caught up in the show to play with her..I don't care what people have to say about this show because,it rocks!! & no I don't just stick my kids in front of the 2yr old counts to 20,knows her colors,& the whole alphabet by herself

At February 24, 2012 at 3:12 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just pissed a little bit. It's funny bc u hit this on the head...u forget about Twists rapping?

At June 3, 2012 at 1:17 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, back in the 70s funk era there were tons of black keyboard players. Look at Bernie Worrel for example. He was amazing. That being said it doesn't make me think that the FBB isn't gay as all hell

At June 7, 2012 at 1:09 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't see how shout is gay, i think he's just meant to be the upbeat like the girls, and twist just falls behind on the peppiness because he is definitely the stupid idiot lol


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