The Potty Monster

So, yeah, I'm potty training. Well, trying to. Enough to make you want to gouge your eyes out with a pencil.
Tyler is three. He is a crazy genius when it comes to most things, but has a very passive-aggressive personality. How do I attribute passive aggressiveness to my 3 year old? If you have kids, you know, you know them and you know how they act in certain situations.
Well, he knows where the peepee comes from, he knows where it's supposed to go. Hell, he's even peepeed in the big boy potty no less than 3 times. (And been heftily rewarded all 3 times)
He also knows he has an option, and he invariably chooses the diaper.
So, I took the option away and took his diaper off. He got to wear his big boy underwear as long as he knew, when it was time to potty... big boys wearing underwear do it in the potty.
And I took major responsibility for this too, asking every 5 minutes if he had to go. I even sat down to potty and had him sit on his potty.... and, nothing.
Yet two minutes later, we had soaked underwear. So he helped (watched) me clean up his mess, and I explained once again that the potty goes in the big boy potty and not on the floor or in his underpants. We even sat the potty down in front of Blue's Clues.
I took off the underwear (obviously the wet ones... my point is, now he's totally nude) Thinking that maybe he has the big boy undies confused with a diaper, regardless of how many times I remind him that he can't peepee in the underwear.
And I continue to ask... and ask....
So I come in to ask again, maybe two minutes after the last time, and he has peed all over. All over the floor, all down his legs, and for some reason, half of his upper body and his face are dripping wet. I can only surmise, he pointed his thingy up to get a better look at what was coming out of it.
Needless to say, after his bath, he got a diaper back on. I rather think this is what he wanted all along, sacrificing M&Ms and Hot Wheels and everyone jumping up and down like maniacs.
So, I've yelled at the mess, I've informed him of the correct way to go, I've given him few to no options, I've begged, bribed and cajoled.... and in the end, he gets what he wants.
And I get people asking, "He's three and still not potty-trained?" So I smile, and say, "We're working on it, he's decided he's not ready yet." Which is mommy-speak for; "Fuck you, and by the way, do you have a Bissell I can borrow?"
I do get helpful people who tell me, very rarely do kids get to college still wearing diapers. And he was slow to give up the bottle (18 months.) So I may be stressing, but not very hard.
Today, (after the pee in the face incident) I sat down next to him and asked, "Can you talk to me?" He said, "Yeah!" and proceeded to babble incoherently (like he does on the toy telephone, I think this is what kids think we are saying while on the phone)
So I narrowed it down, "Can you talk to me about pottying?" With this he grew solemn and exclaimed, "Pool potty." (his term for the big boy pot.)
I said, "You're right, you are supposed to peepee in the potty. Why did you peepee on the floor?"
"No potty, clauter (diaper, don't ask)" he replied. This is our first real back and forth conversation, by the way.
"Why don't you want to go in the potty?" I asked, curious. "Are you scared of the potty?" To this he smiled, like, she finally gets it!
"Why are you scared of the potty? You see me and daddy using the potty, you've even used the potty, and you get candy for being a big boy." I didn't know what the big deal was.
His eyes got real big as he leaned forward and said with all seriousness, "Weird."
I don't remember learning to use the big girl potty. It could very well be super weird.
Meanwhile, does anyone have a Bissell I can borrow? And yes, he's 3 and still not potty trained, but that's okay by me.